The Wounded Healer – Why I Coach, Train, and Teach – #42

“In our own woundedness, we can become a source of life for others.”

I heard this saying the other day and it just clicked.

Those that have suffered greatly can leverage their experiences for others.

This is why prison ministry by those that have suffered the system, can help heal those inside the system. It is through experience in trials where wisdom comes. In some cases, an individuals greatest gift to the world emerges only through the crucible of pain. We all know the stories, we’ve all heard the tales. We know how the story ends.

And. It’s all true.

I’ve Suffered Greatly in Life

And so have you.

I’m only 4-decades deep, but yet at some points, I feel like I’ve lived an eternity. Have I suffered from good and bad decisions up and down the spectrum? Absolutely. This is the stochastic nature of reality. Topographical mappings of human potential are impossible to trace. Life sure seems random at times.

Let Me Count the Ways

I’m writing all of this because it’s important to my soul that I put it down in some format from my brain. I don’t mind the honesty of it, imperfect as it is. And frankly, since I’m well aware that there is nothing new under the sun, my experiences aren’t unique or even story-worthy. But. It’s (my) story. And. I don’t mind sharing.

• I started my life as an orphan. I was eventually adopted. I don’t think I need to expand on the importance of love, affection, time, attention, and touch in the early stages of child development. I lacked all of this in my formulation. This created my internal and foundational mental models of the world: You’re alone. It’s not them, it’s you. You must survive. Nobody’s coming to save you.
• I got to meet a lot of police in my younger years, and court. If you’re a wise business-person, you’ll do a background check on people you put money into. You should. I have people/entities run checks on me yearly (I used to have Top Secret Clearance with poly for govt contracts). I’m no felon, but you’ll see that I’ve enjoyed going fast since 1999.
• I’ve had people steal from me. And cheat me. I’ve lost more money than I’d ever admit. 99% of the time it’s always bad judgement in [character]. Period. The investment/opportunity may sound good, but for f*cks sake. Do the extra diligence. I have a lot of ego around how much data I pull when I make decisions. You know what? I’ve been screwed on every. single. one. of the deals where I cut corners on diligence. It’s always 110% my fault. Every time.
• I’ve had terrible business deals. Once again. Character. Character. Character. I’m glad I have agile/scrum as a mechanism to learn things fast in building anything… however, learning character requires touching skin and face-to-face. I now have a rule that I [must be willing to fly to meet in person] before I sign [anything]. So far, it’s helped reduce a lot of FOMO.
• I’ve been fired from clients. And had contracts cut short. I could blame my autism for the reason why I’m so blunt and candid, however, I have learned to be more caring in my approach (even though I had a client let me go because autism, lol). I won’t blow up anyone’s spot, but I did go through a period of time where a group of Agile Coaches and I discussed regularly how often we’d have clients, mangers, or executives/leaders cry in the office. Yes. This was real. Passion for real change hits real feelings. We all want a better work-life. Agile/Scrum can help make real effective change for organizations. Great coaches are willing to go the distance and allow real emotions to be part of the equation. Can healing exist within corporate walls? Absolutely. I’ve witnessed it myself.
• I’ve experienced close family deaths. We all will.
• I’ve experienced long-suffering debilitation. Many of us will experience. And suffered alongside loved ones suffering it. Most all of us will.
• I had 9-months of depression in the past. I’ve discussed this at length, you can go find it and the videos too. I wish it on no-one. For a thinker, depression is mental-hell.
• I’ve witnessed multiple categories of evil in multiple arenas of life. To understand and integrate one’s shadow is an important rite of passage that many never experience. It’s not that you want to witness evil in all it’s degeneracy… but to understand that you (and I) are capable of it all in the most dire of situations. I have no solution for the evil I’ve seen. I have no solution for deep integration of one’s depravity, but I do know it keeps you very alert.
• None of the above are new. There are many others too. We’re all the same here, aren’t we?

And this is why I coach, teach, and train. It’s my way of giving life to others. It’s my interpretation of my gifts. It’s how I fulfill the destiny of the gods. It’s how I bring love to the world.

My greatest moments in life at work, home, play, or doing anything, were always a combination of two things:

• a moment of relationship between myself and another
• fully understanding the other person because I fully understand their pain (because I’ve been there)

This mutual understanding. This shared understanding. This deep knowing. It has allowed me to ask the right questions, provide the right context, and bring light to the moment in time.

I’ve seen this pattern time and time again. I’m blessed to have two children, who allow me to reflect my patience in understanding their growing pangs. 🙂 — I do very much enjoy conversing with my children. From what I understand, it ranks top function of parent that helps determine trajectory of progeny.

Building companies and investing in companies have allowed me the very quick feedback cycle of win or learn many times over the last decades of work. Oh, the suffering was great! But oh! The lessons learned were even tastier!

Isn’t life about relationships after all?

We all have gifts. How we interpret our gifts through the lens of our suffering will provide your gifts the deeper value you can provide to your family, friends, clients, or strangers.

TL;DR – I’ve suffered a lot in bad business relationships, not doing my homework, willingness to be honest (delivery has improved), and a worldview that I’m all alone, all the time. However, my superpower is my willingness to share my experiences through my work and life. It has allowed me deeper relationships that matter and helped me provided even better and deeper value to the people I serve.

I coach, train, and teach as a passion because that is the way I have leveraged my pain.

Your pains are your superpowers.

Give and gift of life to others.

All the best,
ps