Day 1 - Zero Day Exploit Delivered
On Monday September 20, 2021 @ 10:47AM I received a call from my doctor. What could have been a simple ‘the biopsy came back negative’ report turned into a call that would completely upend any immediate plans for my life.
“I have some bad news, the results came back and it’s cancer.”
I don’t think anyone is ever prepared for this type of call. It’s surreal, raw, and absolutely emotional. Having recently witnessed first-hand my sister-in-law’s 3 year battle with breast cancer that ultimately took her life in November of 2020, I knew that this is going to be a battle of the mind, soul, and body. We’re going to fight, and we’re going to win. (이모, 너무 보고 싶어요!)
“… I don’t have time for this cancer shit.”
My immediate response was 100% emotional. The timing couldn’t have been worse… (is there a good time to receive a cancer diagnosis)? My mind swam like a madman in a vortex, reviewing all of the work I had and all of the responsibilities on my plate for several of my portfolio companies:
Onboarding new development teams internationally in Poland, India, Nicaragua
Three interviews with new marketing vendors and developers
Finalizing the full onboarding of a new Head of Development (New Jersey) and Head of Marketing (Barcelona) the last 3 weeks
Deploying v2.0 dashboard for our startup this week! (9-month grind)
Deploying mobile app v1.0 in the next couple weeks (6-month grind)
Preparing for our move into a new office and podcast studio
Creating our 2022 marketing, PR, and content strategy
Son accepted into national Karting Team with 2-days of testing on-site in North Carolina this weekend
New volunteer roles as Assistant Coach for my daughter’s volleyball team
What about all my other angel and venture investments?…
How was I ever going to get all of this done?
“Well, you’re going to make time.”
My doctor’s response was not only fitting, but clearly the new priority.
“What kind of… cancer… is it?”
I don’t have a history of cancer. I eat extremely well (mostly plant-based) with the occasional fast food. I haven’t missed a week of working out in over 20 years (until now) and I (feel) like I get enough sleep. I know for a fact that I’m able to handle the stress of multiple startups, multiple ventures, consulting, and being deeply involved in my kids activities… Is it stress related, I thought?
“We’ve run two tests, and it’s a very rare cancer that effects the glands… it’s called myoepithelial carcinoma… 40% chance of spread and reoccurrence.”
Is this my lot in life? God, what are you doing?
“… How?… …”
My hand was now shaking with the phone against my ear. I have plans! I have things to do! I have people that rely on me! I have things to build and goals to achieve!
“Unfortunately… it’s just bad luck. There aren’t many studies on this type of cancer, and the research is really limited…”
Denial hit me like a freight train. ‘Bad luck’ is not a rational response. I could not register this. It made no sense, whatsoever.
“I don’t believe in luck. It doesn’t exist. Only probabilities…”
I spent the rest of the conversation on the phone with my head in my hands, I felt like my brain weighed 1000 tons. At the same time, my body began to float away.
I listened in disbelief as we slowly began to detail out plans, known knowns, and known unknowns. I was calm, but not collected.
There seemed to be a major problem though, as I would verify later… that nobody on this earth actually knows anything about this cancer and a proper standard of care.
And, there is no cure.
I felt truly alone.
“I need data. Lots of it. I’m going to get multiple opinions.”
“That is the right thing to do. Shall we schedule a follow up?…”
After hanging up the phone, the world looked different, smelled different, and felt different. I had five important meetings to attend to throughout the day. I found it hard to concentrate.
At 6PM I went out and had one of the best workouts of my life and tweeted this:
I did not sleep at all.
Day 2 - T-Minus 3.5 years…
Going into see my doctor to receive my full results was reminiscent of the one time in middle school where I kicked a glass door to push it open. The glass cracked and shattered. With all of my peers surrounding me, it was up to me to make the right decision: ignore it, or walk to the principles office before my peers ratted me out.
My gut was wrenched.
My feet were heavy.
My breath calculated.
My soul? An interesting calm.
Why does this walk seem so terminal?
With my wife at my side, our doctor reviewed all of the details at his disposal:
(Very) rare cancer. Yes.
Spread risk. Yes.
Must extract more tissue for further testing. Yes.
Must do relevant scans (PET, CAT, MRI, etc), to look at other growths. Check.
Survival rate statistics suck, very limited research. Ok?
Any cure? No.
Average lifespan after diagnosis? 3.5 years.
Great oncologists and skin doctors in Atlanta? Yes.
World famous skin oncologist not too far in South Carolina? Will visit.
Chemotherapy options? Must review.
More opinions necessary? Absolutely.
We began mapping out the known appointments and health checks that were going to be a big part of my life moving forward. The biggest concern is the speed of growth in the past year and removing all we can find. They’re growing fast in me. I felt 100% certain that there was more to remove in the original site. We needed to remove that immediately.
I spent the rest of my day in software deployment meetings, review of code, environment checks, and strategy discussions for AppDev, Customer Service, and Marketing strategy for 2022. Between meetings I spent time calling my parents and my close friends letting them know of the new reality.
There were tears.
At 9:45PM I helped close a venture capital partner for one of my portfolio investments @ $150,000.
At 10:08PM I received our updated website package from our wonderful vendors and spent the rest of the night reviewing the code.
I went to bed at 3AM with a solid code deploy to staging.
It felt good to be productive.
Removing Tumors and Meeting Doctors 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6
“It’s a very rare form of cancer…”
Yes. I know this.
“Pathology report shows… close margin… I’ve never heard of this before… More surgery for a free margin… excise more… we recommend mohs surgery to start…removing layer by layer… it’s a very rare cancer.”
Yes. You doctors keep saying this.
“A very rare… and so, very rare cancers are hard to study… it’s hard to know what to do… because there aren’t many cases…”
I looked at my wife in unbelief and annoyance… say ‘rare’ one more damn time…!
Meeting five doctors over the initial weeks it was clear that we’re in the unknown. One doctor is interested in utilizing me and my growths for academic purposes. I guess I’ll be able to donate tissue consistently…
On the positive side, I am now able to help cancer research in understanding how this cancer spreads and grows. I’ve been supplying tissue samples for a while now. I’ve had growths in my head, jawline, leg, armpit, and even on my finger. Amazing what the body is capable of!
“There may be a reality where you’ll just be cutting holes in your body a couple times a year to get fast-growing tumors out… for a long time.”
On Telling the World and Needing Help
I have wrestled with the writing and creation of this post. Since the beginning of 2021, I have been struggling with keeping on weight and overall energy levels. Monthly routine checks and scans are now the norm. During these past 3.5 years, I’ve been meditating on the old stoic idea of memento mori - remember that you have to die. Living a sober life, living in the present, enjoying what you have. These are the themes surrounding my soul. The mental game and the body have to be strong as well.
In sharing my secret burdens, I’m wise enough to know that it fundamentally changes who you are, as well as how you may be perceived. Even (I) have wrestled with this notion, someone who’s made thousands of videos all over YouTube and social… I’m still me. I just have another battle to fight, and I need your help.
The tension I had to share this with you all was simple:
As an operator, marketer, and social media personality with a global audience, I know who to listen to, and who to ignore. In most cases, people’s perceptions of you rarely mean anything. If you’re confident in who you are, what you’re doing, and the goals you’re trying to achieve, then you don’t worry about the static. You execute. You focus. You deliver. I’m a self-sufficient, self-motivated, and hard-working. I don’t need validation nor praise to keep me going. This is how God created me. I try to be extremely useful and helpful to all I meet. I always want to give my best to whomever I’m serving, and I rarely ask for help.
I got cancer. I need help. I need all the good vibes, all the good energy, all the prayers, and all of the positive high-vibrational energy I can get. I’ll need the support of my family, friends, community, doctors, God, and the infinite powers of the universe. My life is not my own. I’m now in a fight for survival… and have been for 3.5 years.
Happy Birthday, Peter. You’ve beat the statistics. You’re not dead.
If you’d like to know more about the deeper details of my journey, I’ll be redirecting all of my substack support towards this type of cancer research (thank you so much)! If you’re willing to support, maybe we can help others suffering the same.
Hug those you love. Reach out to who you need to reach out to. Appreciate every day. Love on others. Always be good and truthful.
All the best,
ps
