MY BATTLES with DEPRESSION - How I Overcame 3 Experiences of Trial and Personal Growth! - 069

Here I am guys driving down 85 from Atlanta down south. You know, ball in my eyes out to Enya. And I get it. Sometimes you just need it. Sometimes you just need a good crying it out. I've built many startups. Most of them the fail. And so Bitcoin is exactly the place that I like to be. We're gonna end it right there. All right guys, so I'm opening up my notes here. I got my notes on the screen up there. And I want to talk about something that I have had to prepare myself for for many weeks, if not months, as I've jotted notes down, scribbled notes down on this idea. And this is probably one of these shows, one of these podcasts that I have literally spent the most amount of time preparing for. And it's not because I'm sitting here writing stuff down

and meditating on this stuff. It's because this subject is so tough and the subject is so raw and so real. And I never wanted to just jump right into it because I think there's a lot of things that need to be unpacked from this idea of depression. And what I did is I just created this area in my journal here and I just wrote down depression. And as things came to me, as ideas came to me over the weeks and months that I've been doing this project, I've just wrote notes down. And what you have before you and what you're about to receive here in this show is probably about two and a half, three months. I'm not, you know, constant work, but just little notes here and there over a period of, let's just say three months. Over a period of three months, just

notes here and there that I want to document about this idea of depression. And I wanted to discuss it with you guys because depression is real. Depression is 100% real. I mean, it happens and it happens to the best of us. This doesn't just happen to people who are sad, sad, and who are just have a negative worldview in life. Depression happens to the most successful men and women of industry out there. And I'm not included in that bracket, but depression has hit me. Don't let it fuck you is what I'm trying to say. It's real. I have had small bouts with depression over my life for about three to six month periods, three to six months stints. For some reason, it generally takes me whenever I this depression, this idea of depression gets into me. It generally takes me about three months to really

kind of shake it and in my worst experience of depression, it took me about six, six plus months to really shake this depression. And I consider myself a jovial, a life filled, a love filled individual. I consider myself to be a positive thinker, pretty much 99% of the time, even though it's impossible to be happy all the time. It's impossible to be positive all the time. But I mean, I live life on the bright side. The glass is half full, 100% faux show for me. And even I have struggled with depression. And so one of the first things I don't want to talk about as we dive into this idea of depression is depression versus sadness. You see, I think people might, you know, convolut the two ideas and certainly they have overlaps. But I want to kind of quail this idea of depression versus

I mean, I live life on the bright side. The glass is half full, 100% faux show for me. And even I have struggled with depression. And so one of the first things I don't want to talk about as we dive into this idea of depression is depression versus sadness. You see, I think people might, you know, convolut the two ideas and certainly they have overlaps. But I want to kind of quail this idea of depression versus sadness because I was certainly there. I was certainly there. If I can back up just a second here. Like before I struggled, I struggled before I had issues with depression, before I had my first depressing episode, my first episode of depression. I used to think lightly of depression. I really did. God's honest truth, hand up, scouts honor guys. I used to kind of poo poo. I used

to kind of poo poo on depression. I used to think it was kind of like, come on, weak minded, you're letting things get to you, bro, you know, buck up, be stronger. And I apologize if there's anyone in the wake of my history or past, and which I said that, maybe as a sort of flitting comment or something like that, I don't think I have. But depression versus sadness, they're completely different, even though they have very similar traits and very similar things that happen to you. You see, everyone has, I wrote this down, everyone has experiences with being sad or being unhappy. This is the usual ways of receiving a sadness or being unhappy, usually, the usual ways of unburdening yourself or getting rid of sadness or being unhappy usually work, talking with a friend, working out, getting your mind back in the game, getting

involved in the days activities, even having a friend that you could vent it out to, right, if you're sad or you're unhappy or even just having a good old cry, crying, having a good old cry, and I'm not above this guys, I'm not above this, I don't cry that often, that's for sure, but there have been a couple moments in life. There have been a couple of moments in life where I just needed to have a good solid cry, and I'll tell you, I'll tell you, this is, it's a little personal, but I won't give you too many details. I mean, one of the times that I immediately come to mind, where I just had to have a real solid cry is one of my best friends, his brother, died, and I was driving down to the funeral, it was a good couple hour drive

down to this location, and I was listening to all sorts of different music, and I'm a big fan of Anya, sometimes I need to throw on some Anya, and during this drive down, there was this one song that just hit me, I won't tell you which one, because all of Anya's songs are good in my opinion, but I was listening to this one song, and I was driving it, what was that driving? What was that driving? I forget, what was that driving? I was driving the Infinity, I was driving the Infinity G35 S, G35 S, 2007 guys. I was driving that down, it was a man-gill stickshift, awesome, awesome car, I love that car, but I tell you, I just needed a good cry. There was a lot of sadness in my heart for my best friend, there was a lot of sadness in my

driving it, what was that driving? What was that driving? I forget, what was that driving? I was driving the Infinity, I was driving the Infinity G35 S, G35 S, 2007 guys. I was driving that down, it was a man-gill stickshift, awesome, awesome car, I love that car, but I tell you, I just needed a good cry. There was a lot of sadness in my heart for my best friend, there was a lot of sadness in my heart for my best friend's brother, who I knew very well through college, and through lots of different types of activities that we did back then, different, and I just needed it, my soul needed it, and so here I am, here I am, guys driving down 85 from Atlanta down south, you know, balling my eyes out to Anya, and I get it, sometimes you just need it, sometimes

you just need a good crying it out, but here's the thing, when it comes to sadness or being unhappy, they usually pass, the sadness usually passes with time, and we get back to normal function. When it comes to depression, when it comes to this idea of depression, depression is when we can't get back to normal function, we can't get back to the normal routine, the normal behaviors of life, and per the internet, thanks to the internet, they say depression happens when it lasts, so this feeling of sadness or unhappiness lasts more than two weeks or so, I can completely agree with that. I'll tell you in my experience, and this isn't a measuring yard or a measuring stick for any of you guys out there to use if you're listening on podcasts on iTunes or Android, but for me, sadness generally goes within the day,

like if I am unhappy or I'm sad, usually, I mean within the day I get over it, I have a good cry, I get up to my wife, or I have a good crying it out, which doesn't happen that usual, and often. But within the day, within a 24 hour period, I'm back in the funk guys, I'm back, I'm going, I'm ready to go, right? But for me, depression is something that is always, in the couple of experiences that I've had, this has been something that is crept up, it's like you have this sadness and then you rule it as sadness, this event that happened, and there's some unhappiness there, and you get over it, I get over it in a 24 hour period, but then there's something that lingers, there's something that's been untouched that needs to be considered, needs to be retrospected on,

needs to be sit on it, needs, I need my soul time to allow to really sit on it, soak it up, maybe even despise it at some level, so I need to deal with it, that's how depression in my life has crept up, is I would usually, I would categorize it as sadness or me on a happier feeling like, oh no, no, this is a bad thing that happened to me, but there was a thing, something in my gut, in my soul, that needed restoration, that needed reconciliation, that needed healing, per the internet's depression symptoms include feelings of discouragement, sadness, hopelessness, lack of motivation, loss of interest and activities that one should find enjoyment in, I'm no doctor, guys, I am no doctor, and I am no expert, but I have experienced some serious bounce with depression in my life, depression can hit anyone, no

that happened to me, but there was a thing, something in my gut, in my soul, that needed restoration, that needed reconciliation, that needed healing, per the internet's depression symptoms include feelings of discouragement, sadness, hopelessness, lack of motivation, loss of interest and activities that one should find enjoyment in, I'm no doctor, guys, I am no doctor, and I am no expert, but I have experienced some serious bounce with depression in my life, depression can hit anyone, no one is immune, and this is when I used to poo poo it, no one is immune from depression, you ain't no superman, you ain't no Bruce Wayne, you ain't no Batman, extra Batman, shit, that guy is one of the most depressed individuals of all time, if you look at the meta of his life, he is literally acting through his pain, he is literally communicating all the time

through his sorrow, through his pain, that man is a man who is leveraged depression, I'm not making light of this guy, maybe I'm completely wrong here, maybe the authors and writers of Batman would disagree with me, but to my mind, Batman is a great example of a man who's leveraged depression and pain, or something I wouldn't say good, but I mean he's hurting people when he's fighting crime, so I don't know if he's like the anti-hero, but anyway, I used to poo poo depression until I received the blessing of depression during a couple dark moments of my life, and you might be wondering why would I write down on the words blessing, the blessing of depression, I tell you why, and mostly because I've lived through it and I've experienced it now, the blessing of depression is simply this, I have now been able to

understand more deeply a spectrum of emotions, a spectrum of despair, a spectrum of my soul that I would have never have touched, would never have experienced, would never have been able to live through, would never have been able to have this conversation with you, to tell you about my experience with depression, I would never have been able to have these conversations unless I and I have a note right here that says bless the hurt and the pain, use the whole brain, I'm blessing the pain, I'm blessing the hurt of the depressive, the depressing episodes that I've had in the past, because they opened my eyes to a new me, to a new reality, to a depth of a hurt that I didn't know that I could hit, to a depth of sorrow, to a depth of sadness and discouragement and hopelessness, Lord Jesus, I could

tell you I would never have expected that I would ever in my life have felt hopeless before, but I have and thanks to the blessing of depression. For me, depression is coming three forms, number one, it's coming in the form of battle fatigue or exhaustion, I'm going to talk about that in a little bit. The second thing that the second form of depression that I've received is unprocessed emotions, unprocessed emotions from a significant event, from a significant event. And number three, the third example of how I have dealt in battle with depression has been in bad life management overall, bad life management that ends up just cropping up over time and just crushing you and it might have to do a little bit with battle fatigue, but battle fatigue really is more focused on projects, is more focused on an effort in where I get

unprocessed emotions, unprocessed emotions from a significant event, from a significant event. And number three, the third example of how I have dealt in battle with depression has been in bad life management overall, bad life management that ends up just cropping up over time and just crushing you and it might have to do a little bit with battle fatigue, but battle fatigue really is more focused on projects, is more focused on an effort in where I get burnt out. Let's just jump into that one, battle fatigue. This is how I have experienced depression through exhaustion, through abject exhaustion number one. You see exhaustion increases our probability of failure. We're not sharp at anything. And this is a tendency that I have when I go a thousand percent into a new project. It's fascinating that I know this and yet I play with these cards and I

know the deck, I know the meta of how I get into projects and how I get excited, how I get so and overly involved, it becomes who I am, it becomes my identity and I juggle, I juggle this idea of knowing that I could move myself in to exhaustion, battle fatigue and invariably depression on every single one of my projects. How fascinating, how fascinating is it that now I literally know that whenever I get involved in something a thousand percent, I'm going to be tipping myself closer and closer to depression because I get exhausted. We are unwise if we think we can do everything. Sometimes I think I am and in our exhaustion, excellence exits, our work and life. Let me say that again. In our exhaustion, excellence, exits are work and our life. Our character becomes fragile under the weight of exhaustion. Our patience

runs thin and things that usually wouldn't bother us end up doing because we're so focused. Go back to my podcast, my show on not taking shit too seriously. I have a tendency to take shit way too seriously when I get involved in it. It's because I care about it immensely. It's what I want to do in life, it's what I want to fight for right now. And Lord Jesus, do I want to do it? I want to do it better than anyone. I want to do it with excellence, but our character becomes fragile under the weight of our exhaustion. Our patience runs thin with everyone else because they're not playing and they're not running at the thousand miles per hour that I'm running at. We are more likely to listen to fool's talk and make unwise decisions because of our fatigue and we're more likely

to get sucked into the routine of things and hate the process we so used to enjoy. You see, I have a tendency to do this to end up despising that which I am doing because it is so hard and it's such hard work and it takes such a long time and the results that I want aren't moving as fast as I'd like even though I know because I've done this so many times that results are never overnight. I can tell you many examples of this, but I'll give you one. I had absolute exhaustion depression and this happened after building my consultancy here in Atlanta and what was so interesting is the hardest years I built a consultancy here for just under 10 years, under 10 years I built a consultancy and then it was acquired by a company out in Colorado called Agile Faroll. I

I've done this so many times that results are never overnight. I can tell you many examples of this, but I'll give you one. I had absolute exhaustion depression and this happened after building my consultancy here in Atlanta and what was so interesting is the hardest years I built a consultancy here for just under 10 years, under 10 years I built a consultancy and then it was acquired by a company out in Colorado called Agile Faroll. I was building an organizational design company, organizational consultancy with the focus on Agile and Scrum training. And the earliest years, the first five to seven years to be quite frank, the first five to seven years of building this consultancy were the hardest moments of that project, the hardest moments of my life during this project, this 12-year project. They were the hardest building from scratch, growing a client base,

growing my network, scaling out the company to 19 employees. It was only at the seventh year when we were making millions of dollars as a consultancy, when we were growing like fucking weed, like a weed's man, we were getting all over the place, we were just knocking out those winds, getting great referrals to do even more powerful and amazing work with large fortune companies and changing the way people do software development and changing people's lives. The best moments, but it is at that seventh year to ninth year, tenth year, was I had some serious bounce with depression, I had some of my shittiest attitudes at clients because I was just burnt out, I was doing more administrative nonsense than actually helping clients because now I had 19 employees, I was doing more traveling that I didn't enjoy than traveling that I did enjoy. At the

end of the day, I just wasn't doing what I was enjoyed doing, which is creating and building something from nothing and creating and building something from scratch. I burned out, I remember, I could tell you distinctly, I hit ahead, I hit the end of my rope in Canada, fucking Canada, Toronto Canada, add a client up in Canada, up in Canada. I remember sitting with this client, talking with him, having this training, someone just gave me a little bit of lip, I don't even remember what it was, but I went off, I went off, I dropped a couple of F-bombs that were not in a light-hearted, positive way that sometimes I dropped the F-bombs, these were angry F-bombs, these were angry F-bombs and I fucked up, I fucked up big too, I got calls at the end of it from people, from clients, I got individuals

who are threatening to ensure that the rest of the contract would be canceled and that I would never be able to work in that area, I like, I earned it, I completely deserved it and the reason is is because I was burned out and I moved into a depression, I moved into a depression in which I felt like nothing I was doing, and this guy's gonna make millions of dollars here, okay, millions of dollars here, I have 19 employees, I'm making more money than I ever have, but guess what, what's on the other side of that? I never saw my family, I was traveling two fucking cities a week, it doesn't matter if you're making over two million dollars a year, guys, if you're traveling two cities a week and you never see your family, my depression moved into anger and lashing out at my

millions of dollars here, okay, millions of dollars here, I have 19 employees, I'm making more money than I ever have, but guess what, what's on the other side of that? I never saw my family, I was traveling two fucking cities a week, it doesn't matter if you're making over two million dollars a year, guys, if you're traveling two cities a week and you never see your family, my depression moved into anger and lashing out at my employees, at my contractors, at my consultants, at my clients, guys, I got two involved, I needed to pull back and I'll tell you they saved you, the savior was a guy named Bob, Bob Hartman, one of my mentors, he bought my company, he acquired me so that I could survive, so that I could live, like seriously, no shit, he literally acquired my company so that I could

survive, so that I could live, he would tell you today that one of the greatest things that he is that, you know, I would say, but one of the greatest things that he has ever done for me, and he knows this, is he survived me, he allowed me to survive, he saved me, he saved my marriage, he saved my life, he saved my, he saved my ability to be a father, because I was dying and I didn't know a way out, I needed someone to exit me, there's Austin, depression came to me and depression is always on the hairy edge for me, because of exhaustion, number two, unprocessed emotions, I'll tell you the second place where depression has hit me, it's an unprocessed emotions, depression can hit when we do not process our emotions, especially processing hurt, grief, or disappointment, hurt, grief, or disappointment, and

I don't want this to be a negative podcast, I don't want this to be something that puts you in, puts you on your ass and you're like, oh, boo, boo, boo, boo, but seriously, do you have unprocessed hurt, unprocessed grief, unprocessed disappointment in life, expectations that weren't met, we've talked about this previously, if we never have the change to the opportunity, to process these powerful emotions, it leads us towards a downward spiral and it eventually harms the heart, I know this, unprocessed emotions hurt, grief, or disappointment leads to angry reactions, we lash out, we've become terrible people to be around because we're unhappy with ourselves and we're unhappy with everyone around us, that, I like, I know, I know, I know, I know, that I am moving into world disappointment, not to disappoint, but I am moving into a world of depression guys, when I

find that I am unhappy with myself and everyone around me for an extended period of time, and in my wisdom these days, it doesn't take more than a couple days, it's like, whoa, Peter, you, you want to funk? What's going on? Was it that issue? Was it that hurt? Did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, what he said really affect you? I mean, let's just be intellectually honest here, Peter, let's, let's, let's talk it out, did, did, did, what he said really offend you? Did it really hurt you? That deeply? Did you really take it that way? If so, that's okay because you're a human, you're not Superman, it's okay to be offended, it's okay to be affected by people's words now and again, that's life, sometimes it, it's just, it's just a moment in time, your spiritual week, your

mean, let's just be intellectually honest here, Peter, let's, let's, let's talk it out, did, did, did, what he said really offend you? Did it really hurt you? That deeply? Did you really take it that way? If so, that's okay because you're a human, you're not Superman, it's okay to be offended, it's okay to be affected by people's words now and again, that's life, sometimes it, it's just, it's just a moment in time, your spiritual week, your mind is weak, your body is weak, and in that moment, the innocuous thing statement that he said or she said, I just cut you deep, maybe need to just process through it, don't let it go unprocessed, unprocessing emotions, they hurt the grief, they disappoint me, they have it all people, and you're not immune, and unfortunately we have to deal with people, we have to deal with unmet

expectations, promises that are been broken, poor decisions in life, people letting you down, people not giving you the time that you need, the respect that you think you need, or maybe they just don't seem to care, or maybe they just don't know how to care, it doesn't matter, you have an unprocessed emotion that you have received from someone else. My experience with depression here is when I was fired from my own startup, I'll just be frank, into the point. I never imagined that I would ever be in a position where I would put in my blood literally, blood, sweat, and tears, many tears, much sweat, and just a little bit of blood. Indo startup, my baby, I created, I germinated, it came out of my lines, my brain, my soul, I was forced out, it took me over six months to get out of my

funk, and I'll tell you, those six months were the worst periods of my life, losing weight, not sleeping, depression, depression loss of weight, depression not being hungry, depression angry, depression anxiety, cold sweats, hot sweats, just completely broken in every sense of the word. I never imagined how painful it would be to literally be aborted from my own baby, my own startup, my own creation, and I want to use that word abortion, because that word abortion is so wrong, it's so real, it's so nasty, abortion is horrific, that's what it felt like to me, when I was fired and I was forced out of my own company, it felt like I had been smashed by tongs into a burgeoner, crushing my soul, ripping me apart and pulling me out and saying, you can have it no more, and you say, Peter, that's really fucking graphic, yeah,

because people need to understand what that's all about, and that's the best imagery that I could give, that's how violent and destructive this experience was to my soul, when I was forced out of my own startup, it destroyed me, I thought I was going to be destroyed, I thought I was dying, like literally dying, my body was giving out, it was giving way, it was giving up, a small note on process and grief by the way, this was a big grieving process for me as you can probably imagine, but in a small note on process and grief, take the time you need to connect with people, family friends, those that care, allow them to serve your physical and emotional needs, so you can take care of your own spiritual needs, and your spiritual needs, well, that's between you and your God, but I'll tell you

a small note on process and grief by the way, this was a big grieving process for me as you can probably imagine, but in a small note on process and grief, take the time you need to connect with people, family friends, those that care, allow them to serve your physical and emotional needs, so you can take care of your own spiritual needs, and your spiritual needs, well, that's between you and your God, but I'll tell you on this small side note of process and grief, because that is the answer to this depression, that was the answer to my depression after being forced out of my own company, ripped to shreds, I connected with people, my soul cried out, my soul literally cried out to the world, to the divine matrix, and people responded, people came, they talked with me, they sat with me, and I

found out more about not only myself, but I found out more about my friends during this depression period than I ever imagined, it is crazy to think that the best, some of the, I say this plainly and clearly because it's this powerful, during this depression phase, I learned more about my friends than I ever imagined, I learned who my real friends were, I learned my friends, my friends weren't, I learned that those who couldn't take this type of information, knowing this type of stuff about me, knowing that I failed this bad or I've been, you know, been hurt this much, actually one of the best outcomes of this depression episode that I experienced was I called my friends, I pruned my friends, because I, my heart and soul is crying out for help, and I reached out to individuals who I thought I thought gave

a fuck, and they didn't, and they're no longer part of my life, I win, I won in that, but I'll tell you that during this depression episode the answer to it was reaching out, connecting with people, just having them listen, helping me process, vent, my anger, my frustration, my dreams were destroyed or at least I thought they were, it requires help from the outside guys, when your soul isn't being destroyed, and your soul is tangled up in the messes of life. The third area that I've experienced, depression is bad life management, and this is one of those things that just kind of creeps up on you over time, it's as very close to time management in that your life is really your time, and if you don't value time then you're certainly not going to value your life, I value time immensely, I value time

really a lot, look what that way, and if you do not manage your time well you are not likely to manage your life well, let me say this again, if you do not manage your time well, you are not likely to manage your life well. Often we take on too much that isn't focused on our core values, we need to learn to say no, this is what is fucked me in my younger youth, in my younger years, it's easy for me to say no because I know where my values are, I know what I need to be focused on, if it's sideways energy, if it's a time bandit, if it's something that has no contextual relevancy to what I need to do, it's easier for me to say no but I will tell you I have dealt with the pressure in the past, and the

is fucked me in my younger youth, in my younger years, it's easy for me to say no because I know where my values are, I know what I need to be focused on, if it's sideways energy, if it's a time bandit, if it's something that has no contextual relevancy to what I need to do, it's easier for me to say no but I will tell you I have dealt with the pressure in the past, and the reason is is because I did not learn how to say no. Here's a quote from Steve Jobs, he said this, people think, focus means saying yes to the thing you've got to focus on, but that's not what it means at all, it means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that there are, you have to pick carefully, I'm actually as proud of the things we haven't

done as as things we have done, innovation is saying no to 1000 things, quote by Steve Jobs, for me depression hit when I finally realized that I had spent over a solid year doing that which I had completely hated and fought it because I was living in a new country and trying out new things, depression hit me at the end of my time in the career, and the reason is because I had realized that career wasn't the place for me, I wanted to connect to my roots, that was a big fail, didn't work out, I was working for Samsung, I was working for the United Nations as consultant, great work, great living, great money as an expat guys and I didn't have to work Saturdays like everybody else, my side jug name had everyone else working Saturdays but not me, I was an expat, I

got to ride my motorcycle, my brand new imported motorcycle from Japan, a jixzer 600, there was the first one that I bought when I was out there, these things are usually about $8,000 but I paid $14,000 and the reason is because I wanted to unlimited Japan spec racing jixzer 600 Suzuki motorcycle guys, I was living the fucking dream out there until I realized that I had said yes to everything, I wanted to try everything, I was all over the place, depression hit me so fast in a moment in time, I didn't even know how, it was just like everything I commented, all this dirt, all this grime, all this baggage, that's the best way of saying it, all this baggage just kept cropping up, cropping up, it's like a computer guys, like just shit just crops up over time, you need to defrag that thing,

you need to defrag it, you need to get out all the chaff, the problem is that I was living in Korea, living this life of money and speed and fun, city living, and I just let all this baggage crop up and crop up and all the dirt, I never took shower, a spiritual shower when I was out there, the routine ended up sucking, the work ended up sucking, and life ended up sucking, I allowed myself to slink away from my core values of who I really was, when I valued in what frankly I was good at, I said yes to way too many opportunities out there, I even, true story guys, I even, I don't even know if my wife knows this, I even auditioned, I even auditioned for a role in a Korean sitcom where I had to speak some Korean in English, and

sucking, and life ended up sucking, I allowed myself to slink away from my core values of who I really was, when I valued in what frankly I was good at, I said yes to way too many opportunities out there, I even, true story guys, I even, I don't even know if my wife knows this, I even auditioned, I even auditioned for a role in a Korean sitcom where I had to speak some Korean in English, and the reason is is because at the time when I was out there, there was a guy named Daniel Henny who didn't know a lick of Korean, he's a Korean guy but he's fully English, didn't know any Korean and he had become some sort of superstar in Korea at the time, just because of his good looks, now I don't have the good looks guys, I can't, I can't,

I can't sell you watches and I can't sell you facial cream, okay, in Korea, I just don't have that look, but I mean I said yes to everything, I even auditioned for a sitcom, which I completely bombed by the way, I could tell you, that's another story I could tell, but I completely bombed it because they asked me to introduce myself in Korean and I did and they asked, I started asking me questions about who I am in Korean, I started bumbling over that because vocabulary, in English I have a pretty broad vocabulary but in Korean, not so much, so I pretty much sounded like probably a fucking elementary school kid, man, I don't even know where, anyway, I got, here's the thing, everything ended up sucking, and I ended up sucking because I said yes to too many opportunities, I didn't consider the cost

and I got pigeonholed into commitments, don't miss this guy, I got pigeonholed into commitments that I didn't want to fulfill any more, life just sucked, just sucked, everything just sucked and I hit a depression and I remember, I remember hitting this depression on the way home, I was so upset with how life had gone and what had happened, then I just said, I'm not even riding driving my motorcycle, by the way, by that time, I ended up, I had three motorcycles, I had three motorcycles guys, and I was living in this condo, just north of Upgujung in Korea, living the fucking life, bro, you know what I did, I remember, I abandoned I abandoned a date that I was on, I was just like, fuck it, I'm done, I was on a date, I just like, fuck it, I'm done, I'm done, left my motorcycle,

one of my expensive ass motorcycles, out in the middle of the street, like, thank you Jesus for the respectful culture that is Korean soul lights, because these guys, they just don't touch it, they just didn't touch it, they're like, I left this expensive ass motorcycle out in the middle, I just left it, I said, I'm done, I've had it, I've had enough with your bullshit, I've had enough with my bullshit, I've had enough with life bullshit, I've had enough with work, I just left my motorcycle there, I got in, I just started walking, and I'm getting in in, in, in, in, in, in, in, going down the jet, I went down into, what is it called, subway, went down in the subway, got, caught the subway, went over to my, you know, like this is all on autopilot, because my brain's fried, and I'm, I'm

enough with my bullshit, I've had enough with life bullshit, I've had enough with work, I just left my motorcycle there, I got in, I just started walking, and I'm getting in in, in, in, in, in, in, in, going down the jet, I went down into, what is it called, subway, went down in the subway, got, caught the subway, went over to my, you know, like this is all on autopilot, because my brain's fried, and I'm, I'm going in the subway, getting, getting back to my place, and I remember just walking, I remember just walking, it should have been raining, it should have been Korean drama worthy, it should have been raining, that would have made it even more epic, but I was just walking with my head down, and I remember I was so fed up with all the bullshit, I was fed up with

the life that I was chasing, the riches that I was squandering, and the time that I was wasting, I was just fed up, I was fed up with it, man, so all this talk about depression guys, all this talk, oh by the way, you know, you know, the answer to that depression that bad life management was, coming back to Jesus moment, coming back to Jesus moment, I just said, you know what, I must change, and I literally, the next day I changed, I changed everything, so my motorcycles sold my condo within a week, which was amazing by the way at the time, I was amazed that I could literally flip the condo, like, and have, now a verbal commitment, like a couple days, and in like six days, I had the money, uh, yeah, yeah, you want to talk about, you want to talk about

the Lord opening up the ways, and I just left, I just left, came back to America is what I did, and sometimes you have to make those drastic decisions, maybe, just maybe, to snap you out of the bad routine that depression has got you in. So with all this talk about depression, is there a solution? Again, I'm not a doctor, I'm not a doctor, I don't have any answers, I don't have any answers for any of you, right? The only real definitive thing is I can tell you, and that was the purpose of this show, the purpose of this podcast is that depression is real, it's horrible, and it's immobilizing, and it is ruthless, but here's what I do know, find people that can build you up, find people that can build you up, support you in your moments of weakness, that was how I

came through all of my depression, is surrounding myself with people who cared, really cared, and if they didn't, fuck them, find some, find the real people, find people willing to support you at all times, having great friends, helps, and don't ever feel like you never need to go it alone, it's a moment in which I'm going it alone maybe for too long, that I lose perspective and realize that I truly can't, that I'll become exhausted, I'll burn myself out, or I'll continue to make bad life decisions, that will pigeonhole me into commitments that I don't want to fulfill, right, you're never alone, don't ever fear reaching out to for help, if you need it, don't ever fear, please, don't ever fear, like reaching out for help, even the greatest warriors of history have dealt with depression, and in some ways, I would say, in some

realize that I truly can't, that I'll become exhausted, I'll burn myself out, or I'll continue to make bad life decisions, that will pigeonhole me into commitments that I don't want to fulfill, right, you're never alone, don't ever fear reaching out to for help, if you need it, don't ever fear, please, don't ever fear, like reaching out for help, even the greatest warriors of history have dealt with depression, and in some ways, I would say, in some ways, for these great warriors of history-owned, I think that their experience is with depression, and the reasons why, some of the reason, why they can say that they have lived a life that's fully lived, depression happens, reach out when it does, reach out when it does, because you cannot go depression alone. Thanks guys for allowing me to share my heart in this episode, this is one of

those episodes that I was a little nervous about, talking about, but I think it was important to talk about mostly, for my own education, I hope it was useful, helpful, subscribe, like, share with other people if you know of people that need to hear a message like these guys, and we'll see you behind the scenes, on the end of IOT.